The first sminar

it's over but seemingly lingering here.
今天結束了人生第一次極度正式的上台報告。這兩個禮拜即便沒有每分每秒都在看review, 可是心情方面一直是處於stressed and depressed, 壓力來自於自己，憂鬱來自於老師。我知道我的確沒有immerse myself in the preparation of this presentation, 但是我不希望我有在試著努力並且兼顧期中考的同時被說「你的學習態度要改」

所有的瑣事都鎖在心裡，所有的顏色消弭，所有的抱怨只能跟自己說。因為別人不會懂，他們可能懂實驗結果不好會被催data, 但是他們不懂為什麼一個看似沒有極端重要的seminar可以造成一個人失去食慾性慾，甚至生存慾。有個晚上，我仍然在4:30 am 看著窗外，面對的就是可以通往中永和的橋，很想自我放逐，自我解脫，如果就這樣失蹤就好了。

報完了，老師說進步很多，他說很impressive.

I'm not happy, not at all.

他們說，衝破了一個點，就會海闊天空。無數個點在等著，無數個barrier on the way.
我不知道我看到的是甚麼，或是我將看到甚麼。

我想起了大二升大三暑假的墮落，我每天在media center看一整天的電影，
I don't want to be pushed, I don't like to be forced. I just wanna getaway.


有沒有可能所謂的學術不是這樣的?
有沒有可能我們就一邊喝咖啡一邊聊著自己今天看了甚麼知識和研究?


有沒有可能逃離？

fuck the mandatory

I'll thank anybody that helped me, but I wont thank any country or any system that seemingly benefits me.
cuz that's what everyone deserves, no need to appreciate, no need to be grateful, no need to be patriotic,
the benefit system is the obligation of the government, which is the slaves for the citizen.
the citizen is mandatory for nothing but officiate to the government, we're not obligated for military service and taxation or social service, cuz we're the boss and government should listen to us, so fuck the constitution that tells somebody to do anything.
We are the kings, and you work for me. That's it.

我不管

一直很喜歡動畫裡慣有的場景
主角很厲害的把敵人秒殺，或輕輕揮動手指就造成原子彈的大規模破壞
然後哈哈大笑的結局

有時候就是不想管世界或社會或環境
為什麼一定要有聯結?
為什麼一定要有網絡?
為什麼一直要顧慮他人?
為什麼無法100%都照自己的意思!?
想當王
想去最頂層
想蠻橫專制

love the Bohemism in the Rent, when all the treason gather together, it's a real peace.
unorthodox, rebelling, anti-social. Why not? I'm the king, and you are slaves, all of you, all of you!!!!